Top Ten Movies 2013

Yes! Believe it or not I'm still updating this website!

Now I've been very busy this past year with being in another country, and then sobering up from being in another country. And trust me that story's coming, as will the rest of that overwrought James Bond thing I am now beginning to heavily regret. But even if I never update this damn thing, even if I'm behind on my articles for that news blog, and even if I completely skipped over my famed Christmas List so I could hang around London with my Latvian friend; you will always, unfailingly, get a pretentious, subjective, overly critical look back on the films of the past year.

Well, if there's one philosophy that has dominated my writing habits, it's "better late than never", so let's get going.

Now, I got mixed reactions from my last list, which is probably the reason I put more time and thought into this one. It's fair criticism, I gave the top spots to Argo and Les Miserables, and while I still love both those movies, I do think, in retrospect, those spots probably belonged to The Master and Dark Knight Rises.

So, I saw as many films as possible in preparation for this list, and while that does not necessarily include every one of the Best Picture nominees, you may see a few you never heard of. Unfortunately, this actually means a lot of truly great films didn't even make the cut. But let's see which ones will be graced with the status of "best of the year" by an overly opinionated, smartass blogger.

10. Gravity

Warner Bros. Entertainment

Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are astronauts in space who are viciously attacked by a cloud of evil space debris that tears through their equipment, sending them flying through space. Scientific inaccuracies and screaming occur as the two try to find a way back home that doesn't involve falling.
Let me begin by saying that never before has a 3D film blown me away as much as Gravity did in the theater. I found myself consistently, and genuinely breathless, with how gorgeous the visuals are in the theater. More so than that, I was consistently on the edge of my seat in the theater. In case I haven't gotten it across, this was one of the best theatergoing experiences I've ever had; but when I saw it on DVD for the first time, I have to admit I was a bit underwhelmed. This is probably because it's a suspense drama and I had seen it before by that point, and the film certainly flies on the shoulders of the always-fantastic Sandra Bullock, as well as it's full on nail-biting quality, and it's cinematography. However, it's not a masterpiece, and the simplicity of the story keeps it from being truly timeless. Definitely worth a watch though.

9. Iron Man 3

Disney/Marvel Entertainment

Oh boy, am I going to get hate for this one; especially when I tell you that this and Matthew McConaughey and Jeff Nichols' great collaboration Mud was neck-and-neck for this spot with this bib-budget Avengers sequel (one of three). What doesn't help, is that this has gone down in history among Spider-Man 3, X-Men 3, and even Superman 3 (noticing a theme here?) as one of the most hated superhero films ever, thanks to a brilliant  controversial twist involving the villain. Which is surprising, because the movie's fucking great, to the point that I'm tempted to call it the best film to feature the character. For one thing, Robert Downey Jr. is the only actor I can think of since Connery to be every bit as interesting the fourth time around as he was the first. That, and the fact that he's aided by a script by Shane Black and Drew Pearce that forces everyone's favorite (let's be honest) Marvel superhero to come to terms with the stress brought about by his self-appointed role as an American superhero, completing an arc that started with that now-legendary first film. This is not only one of the funniest films (in what was a very funny year), but easily features some of the best action I've yet seen from this franchise.

8. Blackfish

Magnolia Pictures

Living in San Diego, I'm hard-pressed to think of a film that caused quite as big of a stir as this one (although Escape from Tomorrow certainly tried) in the theme-park enthusiast community. Using heartbreaking testimonials and breathtaking footage, director and documentarian Gabriela Cowperthwaite weaves a fascinating narrative about the behind-the-scenes practices at SeaWorld that led to a young woman being killed by an orca whale. Along the way, we are introduced to one of the most fascinating cinematic villains of the year; a pissed-off mass of blubber and teeth named Tilikum, whose harsh treatment at various theme parks has fostered a form of psychosis that apparently led him to rack up a body count of around three people. However, it soon becomes apparent that the poor animal may not be the real villain. As a documentary about mistreatment at SeaWorld, it is an effective film, effective enough to cause a worldwide discussion about the blame SeaWorld takes in the treatment of its creatures. But, more importantly (in the cinematic sense), it builds a "Moby Dick"-esque  tale of man's inability to control nature (my favorite kind of story). Does it only tell one side of the story? Should SeaWorld, an organization that has given a significant contribution to marine philanthropy, be shut down? Those questions are important, but not as important as the main point, which is to ask whether an animal as emotional, intelligent, and deadly as the Orca whale should be held captive.

7. This is the End

Columbia Pictures

"This is the End", Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg's surprise success (the film has a remarkably low budget) asks one question: do celebrity comedians deserve to go to heaven? Do they even deserve to live? It then sets out to parody celebrity culture by telling the story of what happens when comedy superstars Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, and Danny McBride find themselves stuck in Franco's LA mansion during the end of the world. Did I mention they're all playing themselves? What follows is by far the funniest film of the year, and perhaps one of the funniest films I've ever seen. Add in the fact that most of the film is improvised, mostly takes place on one set, and features a cameo from Michael Cera that's probably the greatest thing he's ever done, and you can see why people went nuts over this movie.

6. Frozen

Walt Disney Studios

I know, I know, if you're like most Americans, you've probably heard more than enough about this movie, to the point that you may even be beginning to wonder if it's overrated. To be fair, if you're also like most Americans, you've probably had the same feelings about Tangled and The Princess and the Frog, and I actually wasn't that impressed by those two. This film, however, blew me away. Frozen introduces us not to one princess, but two; Anna and Elsa. Elsa has the power to freeze shit with her mind to an extent that would make Iceman from the X-Men blush. However, in a freak accident, she nearly kills Anna, forcing her parents to raise them separately for years, all the while forcing Elsa to hide her powers from the world, believing that the kingdom will try to hurt her if they find out, as opposed to welcoming her as a one-woman Avengers team. But when the king and queen die in whatever storm presumably killed Tarzan's parents (ok I'm done), Elsa is given the kingdom, only to lose control of her emotions and cause a neverending winter, forcing Anna to go out into the cold to save her sister and the kingdom.
 Now, obviously it's a fairytale, so an asshole could find plenty of holes. But the point of fairytales is to stand as stories for larger themes; in this case, one woman's journey to free herself from years of suppressed emotion, and her sister's journey to try and live with a loved one who is volatile, and a little dangerous. A lot has been made about the feminist themes at work here, but that's a topic for another time. The point is, it's been a long time since a Disney movie has made me care for it's characters this much (let alone hum it's songs), and that's pretty cool.


5. The Wolf of Wall Street

Paramount Pictures

If I told you that a film about one man's rise through the world of Wall Street stockbrokers, and his adventures upon finding success with his own firm was one of the most, if not the most, depraved films I've ever seen, you probably wouldn't believe me. If I told you it was directed by Martin Scorsese, you might understand a a little better. The premise, which is pushed out of the way in the first five minutes, involves real-life Wall-Street crook Jordan Belfort, along with his various low-time drug dealer friends, including another great performance from Hill, starting their own investment firm out of a warehouse, and rising to enormous success after convincing clients to invest in shit penny stock. The other two-hours and fifty-five minutes of run time follow Jordan and his buddy Donnie as they "struggle" through a decade of excessive wealth, sex, partying, and lots and lots of drugs. It's a frat boys wet dream, to the point that the characters would almost be incredibly unlikeable if not for the performances, which make us root for Belfort almost as much as his cultish followers, and the great Terence Winter's (Sopranos, Boardwalk Empire) script, which always places the humanity of it's characters at the forefront.
What follows is what can only be described as a comedy epic, enormous in scale and absolutely hilarious. While not perfect; it's runtime, however much of a commentary on the film's excess it provides, is still too long by at least half-an-hour, although god knows I wouldn't know which parts to cut. Does the film glorify the one percent? Is Belfort even a one-percenter? Or is he a Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to his poor friends? These are all questions raised and, mercifully, not really answered.


4. Prisoners

Warner Bros./Alcon Entertainment

One of this years most overlooked films, Prisoners, in my mind at least, easily beats Gravity for the year's most nail-biting thriller, and it's not even set in space! It is set in a murky, dark, suburb in Pennsylvania, which is probably more dangerous, let's be honest. During a routine Thanksgiving visiting his friends, Kelly Dover (Hugh Jackman) and his friend Franklin Birch (Terrence Howard) find themselves in a situation far scarier to any parent than being stuck in space; their girls disappear while outside, and the only clue they have to their whereabouts is an RV that was seen in the area. At this point, Jake Gylenhaal joins the story as David Loki (the second coolest Loki to star in a movie this year), the detective assigned to the case, and finds that the RV belonged to Paul Dano. Now, Dano has the IQ of a fourth grader, and unfortunately for Loki, so does the character he's playing, so he's no help. This does not deter Kelly, who, instead of relishing his now quieter house, decides the only way to find his child is to get the information from Dano's character, by any means necessary.

The rest of the film is as intense, disturbing, and, occasionally, horrifying a thriller as any I've seen in a very long time. In many ways, the film asks the same questions about torture and police work that are currently being played out in the world-scale, only in the confines of it's own, morally shady world. Gylenhall gives his best performance in years, and he's aided by a supporting cast that includes Viola Davis, Maria Bello, Terrence Howard, Melissa Leo, and the always welcome Paul Dano. But it's the Wolverine himself who rules the film with a stunningly intense performance. He should be the guy we're rooting for, but it isn't long before we begin to wonder if he's the most monstrous thing in the whole neighborhood.


3. The Hunt

Magnolia Pictures

Ok, so every research I've done on this film has described it as a 2012 film; but it had a (limited) international release in the US (where it was impossible to find) in 2013, and was nominated for most awards in 2013. Also screw you, it's my blog. The point is, I was intrigued by Danish filmmaker Thomas Vinterberg's film ever since I first heard about it's premiere at Cannes, where Hannibal himself, the great Mads Mikkelsen, was honored with a much-deserved Best Actor award.

Much like Prisoners, The Hunt tells a morally confusing story about adults and children who live in a scary area, but comes off as far more human, and therefore, frightening. Lucas (Mikkelsen) is like the Danish version of my friend Marcos, the somewhat socially awkward, but always kind and helpful, member of a small, close-knit Danish community, where he works as an attendant at the local kindergarten. However, things take a horrific turn for the worst when Lucas is accused by Klara, a young student, and daughter of Lucas's best friend, of a pedophilic act. Now, as far as I know, the film is not ambiguous about this point; Lucas is innocent, which makes it that much more frustrating when the entire community of angry white danes turns violently on Lucas, turning him into an outcast. The film is intense, scary, and often absolutely maddening, precisely because Lucas himself is such a nice dude, he fights his injustice little; understanding the anger of his friends. But this starts to change when his family becomes a target as well. Obviously, there are subtitles, but you very quickly forget you're reading the film. Although the climax can leave a bit to be desired, the film is very tense and asks big questions, the kind that don't have easy answers, and is driven by a powerhouse performance by Mikkelsen.


2. American Hustle

Columbia Pictures

And, finally, we come to what is supposedly the most overrated movie of the year. It's weird, but I don't watch a lot of David O' Russel's movies, perhaps because he's apparently the biggest asshole in Hollywood, having gotten into fistfights with Clooney, Nolan, and many others. He's stopped that attitude, but only, apparently, because fighting Bale or Lawrence wouldn't end well for his image or face or both. But, the point I'm making, is that I should probably watch more of his movies (I did like The Fighter) if they're like this, because, fuck it, this movie's fantastic.

Christian Bale is fantastic as Irving Rosenfeld, a small-time scam artist who falls in love with Sydney Prosser, a small-time scam artist played fantastically by Amy Adams. They both get in deep shit when Richie DiMaso, a small time scam artist played, in a fantastic performance, by Bradley Cooper, catches up to them both, and threatens to throw them in jail unless they help him with some big time scams for the IRS. Sydney wants to run away, but Irving can't leave his wife, a small-time scam artist named Rosalyn (the fantastic Jennifer Lawrence), and kid, a small-time scam artist whose a baby. I know it sounds like I'm being facetious, but only because it's almost ludicrous how much talent is on display here. You see, Richie wants to catch a bunch of suspicious public officials taking bribes, and he needs Irving and Sydney's help to do it, but along the way, Irving begins to realize that their targets may include some innocent people, like Carmine Polito, the well-meaning mayor of Atlantic City, played by Jeremy Renner in a career-best performance. Add in the fact that he's caught in a vicious love triangle between Richie, Sydney, and Rosalyn, and Irving may very quickly be over his head. Throw in some great cameos from Robert DeNiro, Louis CK, Jack Huston, and Michael Pena, and you have easily the greatest cast this entire year.

This is a character-driven movie, which is great because the characters are easily some of the most fascinating I've seen in a long while, and O'Russel manages to get some of these actors best work to come out on screen. It's technically a drama, but it should say something about the film's writing that it's also one of the funniest movies in a year filled with them. Any time a film starts with the phrase "some of this actually happened" you know you're in for a treat.

1. Jurassic Park 3D

Universal Studios

Ok, ok, ok, more of an honorable mention really, the film that has sustained infamy among our viewership as my favorite film of all time actually came out in 1993, so it doesn't count here. However, if even there was a modicum of doubt that Spielberg's sci-fi masterpiece is, in fact, my favorite movie ever, it was wiped away a year ago when he it appeared in theaters for the first time in a two decades. Not coincidentally, it's rerelease was successful enough that a sequel, mercifully ignoring the last two, was announced not long after its run at the box office.

Now, obviously, the story of a group of hapless scientists invited to stay at a theme park where DNA technology has recreated Dinosaurs for the public, has seen more than it's fair share of showing in my household, ever since I was a kid. However, as I got older and memorized everything from the lines to the roars to the sounds Jeff Goldblum makes, I stopped, well, watching it while watching it. It was only in a theater, with the admittedly glorious 3D, that I was forced to notice all the deeper themes I never picked up on. Themes of age, evolution, and the often violent chaos that comes with change in the world. It's like No Country, only more fun, and probably better. Even in a film this big, Spielberg's subtleties are still on full display. It was like watching it for the very first time, and I can't remember a better moviegoing experience than that.

1. The Spectacular Now

A24 Films

But out of the films that actually released this year, the one that impressed me the most was arguably the least likely, that being James Ponsoldt's breakout, under-the-radar summer treasure, that stands among the best coming-of-age tales ever made. I did not think, upon first hearing of this film, that it would have the effect on me that it did.

Miles Teller, in what will be a breakout role if there is any justice in the world, stars as Sutter, a popular, fun-loving, borderline hedonistic high school senior. He's not incredibly interested in grades, or finding his passion in life, or finding a college that will accept him. You know, all those things they keep saying you're supposed to do in high school. He's mostly interested in drinking, working for Saul Goodman, trying to get back at his ex, and generally acting like a shithead. However, everything changes when he meets Aimee Finecky, a shy young girl played brilliantly by Secret Life's Shailene Woodley. Aimee does not have a lot of friends, and is stuck at home with her possessive family, so Sutter's flirtation with her is kind of narcissistic and curious at first, but blossoms into love when he realizes how happy she makes him. However, the effect goes both ways, and as Sutter begins to learn more about his life, and where it's headed, he realizes he may be a bad influence on the always-forgiving Aimee.

The Spectacular Now is a fascinating movie for a lot of reasons. Besides hitting all the funny, sweet, and occasionally heartbreaking notes every romance is supposed to hit, it also manages to have just enough clever twists to keep from being predictable. Not only that, but it's startlingly real and human. The characters feel and act like real teenagers at that age (and we would all know), to the point that by the end, we are just as unwilling as Sutter to say goodbye to them all. The fact that I haven't seen it on quite as many lists makes it feel that much more special. It's a genuine treasure, and more than worth checking out.

The 18 Film Characters who have been nominated more than once.

Hey guys.

Yeah, I'm back from FUCKING ENGLAND finally. Trust me you'll hear plenty about that. It's also post-awards season! Trust me, you'll hear plenty about that too.

Anyway it's been almost a full year since I started this blog, and in that time I started a weird James Bond thing that's not even halfway done, and I have forgotten about it for several months at a time. But the best way to get back into things is to do what I do best; talk about movies and shit!

So let's all pretend its still awards season and this article is still relevant. Basically, one thing I've noticed is how during the Academy Awards, we always remember the artists who are nominated multiple times, but I got to thinking; which characters have been nominated more than once? Are there better things I could be writing about? Yeah. Are there probably more important things I could be researching at this point in my life? Definitely.

Are you curious? Yeah. That's what I thought. These are the characters that have been interesting enough to be represented at the Academy Awards more than once. In chronological order.


Leslie Crosbie

The earliest contender on our list is Leslie from the two film adaptations of W. Somerset Maugham's play, The Letter, about the court proceedings that follow when Leslie, in the absence of her husband, shoots and kills a man who she alleges attempted to rape her. However, it becomes evident during the trial that she may have attempted to cheat on her husband and killed the poor sap who refused her. So right off the bat you can see how early 20th century Americans would be attracted to the story of a cruel woman using a false rape accusation. Still, she was an interesting enough character that both the 1929 film and its 1940 remake involved considerably impressive performances from its leads that both Jeanne Eagels and Bette Davis were nominated for Best Actress. Unfortunately, Eagels passed away before the ceremony, making hers the first ever posthumous nomination.


King Henry VIII of England

Here's where it gets interesting; the next earliest character, and the record holder for the male character nominated the most times is none other than Henry VIII, England's most head-obsessed king. And not in that way. It's not hard to see why; he's the guy you remember from history class as the king who became so obsessed with having a son he divorced and then murdered a bunch of his wives. He's also more or less guilty for such crimes as the virtual decimation (and impregnation) of most of the Boleyn family. He also loved divorce so much he created Protestantism. And now he can add "having three people being nominated for acting awards for his portrayal" to his resume. It started with Charles Laughton, who won the award for Best Actor for the his performance in The Private Life of Henry VIII in 1932. The trend continued with the great Robert Shaw, who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor in A Man for All Seasons in 1965, and then the equally great Richard Burton who was nominated for Actor in in Anne of the Thousand Days in 1969. You may remember Burton from all his films that involve Shakespeare, and Shaw from all his films that involve giant sharks. Namely that one. For more jokes about Robert Shaw you're free to visit my From Russia with Love review.

Professor Henry Higgins

Professor Henry Higgins is, of course, the main character in George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. I don't know how to pronounce it either. The title of course, refers to the ancient greek character who fell in love with his own sculpture. This is thematically like the characterization of Higgins, who, as part of a bet, has to help a poor cockney girl named Eliza to sound like a debutante and then obviously falls in love with her because cliches are old. While Leslie Howard was nominated for Best Actor in the 1938, most people fondly remember the modern (for 1964) film adaptation of the Broadway musical My Fair Lady, for which Rex Harrison won Best Actor.

Mr. Chips

Goodbye, Mr. Chips, based on the book of the same name, tells the story of Mr. Chipping, a once strict and traditional schoolteacher who learns to grow and connect with his students as he gets older. Obviously, it's incredibly sentimental, but the character was loved well enough to give Robert Donat a Best Actor award, and Peter O'Toole a nomination for his role in the musical remake.


President Abraham Lincoln

 

What you're going to figure out in due time is how most of this list is British royalty and American Presidents.  And it wouldn't be a list of the most famous thematic film characters without one of the all time great American figures; our sixteenth president, patron of log cabins and silly hats, savior of the union, and liberator of black people across the country; Abraham Lincoln. You may not remember John Cromwell's Abe Lincoln in Illinois, for which Raymond Massey received a Best Actor nomination in 1940, and tells the story of Lincoln up to his inauguration. What you probably do remember is Daniel Day-Lewis's Best Actor win for Lincoln in 2012, which covers the story of Lincoln after his inauguration. Unfortunately, Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter did not make the cut.

Father Chuck O' Malley

 

 Father Chuck is the first character on this list to be nominated twice for a performance by the same actor; in this case Bing Crosby, who plays the Father Chuck as an unconventional Catholic priest who is introduced to various parishes to make them more fun, to the chagrin of Barry Fitzgerald and Ingrid Berman. Because movies that would end up on the lifetime channel today were extremely successful back in the day. Anyway, Crosby was so much fun he won for Best Actor in Going My Way in 1944, and was nominated again for The Bells of St. Mary's a year later.

King Henry V of England

 

The Academy loves historical dramas, and the Academy loves Shakespeare (or they used to, now we have superhero movies). Put them together, and you have the two film adaptations of Shakespeare's historical play about Henry V. First was Olivier, who was nominated for Henry V in 1946, as was Shakespearean expert Kenneth Branagh in 1989. Both were in movies they directed, not sure if that makes it easier or harder.

Cyrano de Bergerac

 

Finally, we come to my favorite example, and in fact my favorite theatrical character of all time. Cyrano's fucking awesome; he's a swashbuckling badass, a lover of the arts, a hopeless romantic, and a sarcastic asshole. Unfortunately, his biggest character flaw is that he's ugly and has a huge nose. Jose Ferrer won Best Actor for playing him in Cyrano de Bergerac in 1950, but my favorite will always be Gerard Depardieu, who was nominated in 1990.

Eddie Felson

In another of my favorite examples on the list, 1961's The Hustler became an instant classic and rocketed both the fantastic Paul Newman and the sport of pool to popularity. Unfortunately, pool is the only one of those two still around. However, almost 25 years after getting a Best Actor nod for playing the small-time pool hustler, Newman returned for the inexplicable sequel, Martin Scorcese's The Color of Money. While almost universally considered the weaker movie, it's still a fucking Scorcese/Newman movie (with Tom Cruise and an Eric Clapton song), which was more than good enough to earn Newman his first and only Oscar.

King Henry II of England

 

Oh look, it's Peter O' Toole again. Peter O' Toole, who sadly was one of the fifty-or-so great actors to die this past year, played the morally questionable king as a young man in Beckett in 1964, before playing him as an older man just four years later in The Lion in Winter. I know what you're going to ask though, and no; unlike the other examples on this list, these films aren't necessarily sequels, as they have a different tone, were made by different companies, and even had a mostly different cast. But they're based on a historical character, so maybe you should watch them in order for consistency. Or just watch Iron Man 3 again, I don't give a shit.

Joe Pendleton

It's kind of weird how much the Academy used to like movies that were actually funny, provided they be kind of saccharine at the same time. Both Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941) and Heaven Can Wait (1978) tell the story of Joe Pendleton, an athlete (first a boxer, then a football player) killed on accident before his time, because I guess God just fucks up like that sometimes. He is sent back to Earth in the body of crooked investment banker Bruce Farnsworth, and then has to figure out how to fix this man's life and help the people in his old one. Robert Montgomery and Warren Beatty were both nominated for the role.

Rooster Cogburn

 

Hi Whitney! I see you skipped to this part. And I know why. I think it's fair to say that The Dude is probably an all around better actor than The Duke, but even though Jeff Bridges was incredibly fun to watch in the Coen Brother's 2010 remake (or re-adaptation) of True Grit, Wayne's performance in the '69 original is nothing short of classic. It also won him an Oscar for Best Actor.

Vito Corleone

 

And here he is, the man of the hour. Arguably the most famous character on this list, for good reason. Vito Corleone's is the quintessential story of success in America, amidst horrific corruption. Curiously, it's told in reverse. In the first film, considered by many to be the greatest film of all time, Marlon Brando plays Vito as the sophisticated, brilliant, and, perhaps, guilty patriarch of the most powerful crime family in New York City, struggling to protect the lives and souls of the people he loves as his world falls apart. In the sequel, also considered by many to be the greatest film of all time, Robert De Niro plays the character in flashbacks as a Sicilan immigrant whose rise in the mafia and fall from grace mirror Michael's. Brando and De Niro were both awarded the Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor (switching places each time with Pacino, who took home squat). Not coincidentally, the third and worst film in the series is absent the character, who sadly does not travel back in time to meet his younger self and warn him about Sentinels.

Michael Corleone

 

The fact that Al Pacino won neither Best Supporting Actor in The Godfather, for his role as a good man being corrupted by the italian mafia; nor for Best Actor in The Godfather Part II for his starring role as a bad man being even more corrupted by the italian mafia, is almost as much of a crime as this run-on sentence. It would also go a long way to explaining how he eventually won for making toddler noises in Scent of a Woman, in the Academy's now-standard practice of giving people awards for things they should have already had awards for. In any case, Pacino's performance is only part of what makes these two movies so legendary among cinema.

Howard Hughes

Hughes, the man who is, by all accounts, the inspiration behind Iron Man, is the definition of Hollywood legend. A filmmaker, producer, inventor, aviator, billionaire, and severely developmentally disabled eccentric genius and all-around crazy person, Howard Hughes helped make Hollywood what it is today through ambition, brilliance, assholeishness, and general insanity. Also my dad totally hung out in his plane once. While he was basically a plot contrivance in 1980's Melvin and Howard, for which Jason Robards was nominated for Best Supporting Actor; his true character shines through in Martin Scorcese's The Aviator in 2004. For his emphasis on Hughes's obsessive compulsive lifestyle, Leonardo Dicaprio was nominated for Best Actor. He did not win though, and so an internet meme was born.

President Richard Nixon

 

The mastermind behind Watergate, the inventor of the double-peace sign, and the only guy on this list with a bigger nose than Cyrano's; our 37th President may not be the best, or even close, but he may be the most villainously Shakespearean. Or at least the most like a Bond baddie. And I would know by this fucking point, trust me. Perhaps thats why both Anthony Hopkins (for Nixon in 1995) and Frank Langella (for Frost/Nixon) saw nominations for Best Actor for giving us insight into what made this disgustingly power-hungry man tick.

Queen Elizabeth I of England

 

And we come to it at last, the record-holder for the female character most nominated at the Academy Awards is none other than the world's most famous queen, Elizabeth I. Somewhat fitting that the character tied with Henry VIII would be none other than his own daughter. Brilliant, classy, and badass to the end, Elizabeth showed the western world that a woman could lead and do it damn well. Hell, she was friends with Shakespeare, and apparently she ran into Doctor Who a few times. Anyway, the great Cate Blanchett did the character justice in the rather great Elizabeth (1998) and its rather not-so-great sequel Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007). Blanchett was good enough to become nominated for Best Actress both times, but did not win. Who did win was Judi Dench, for her fan-fucking-tastic supporting portrayal in Shakespeare in Love in 1998. That's right, she was even nominated at the same time as Blanchett, and had about a fraction of the screen time. That's talent.

Iris Murdoch

In what was a nice twist on the "interesting man and his doting wife" cliche, Iris told the story of the brilliant and famous female philosopher Iris Murdoch, and her life alongside her loving husband, before having to deal with all the bullshit that comes with alzheimer's disease. For playing the philosopher at two different times in her life, Judi Dench and Kate Winslet were both nominated for Actress and Supporting Actress in 2001.


Well I'm pretty sure that's all of them. Let me know if I'm wrong, because I'm not going to go down the full list of nominees and press "control F" on every name. Again. In case you couldn't tell, I really didn't feel like doing homework today.

Bondathon: Thunderball (1965)

Hey guys Bond movie yeah whatever.

Now here's where things get a bit hectic. You see, the next film, Thunderball, was originally supposed to be the original Bond film. It was written as a screenplay back in the late fifties, when black people were still spoken of in hushed voices. It was written for a producer by the name of Kevin McClory. However, Kevin was unable to make a Bond movie sound successful, and the deal fell through. Not wanting to waste the story, Fleming used the story for a book. Which obviously caused a provocation with McClory. The court proceedings were what led to Dr. No being filmed first. They eventually settled out of court, with McClory getting partial credit for the screenplay.

Thunderball is the fourth James Bond film, having come out in 1965. Understandably so, it feel especially “Bond-y” if that makes sense this early in the series. By this point all the staples have been established, but they aren’t tired, but exciting. It’s also probably why they remade it like twenty years later. When they eventually figured out how to make the damn thing, they brought Terence Young back, after Guy Hamilton got tired after just one film. The leftover goodwill of Goldfinger is apparent as well; adjusted for inflation, Thunderball is arguably the most successful Bond film of all time, as the $141million it made back in 65 was actually worth more than the billion Skyfall just made. It kind of stands as a monument to how great the series was doing at the time; its one of the few Bond films to win an academy award; in this case for visual effects.

Thunderball

Photo Credit: United Artists/MGM

Date: 1965

Director: Terence Young

Bond: Sean Connery

Number: 4

Starring: Adolpho Celi, Claudine Auger, Luciana Paluzzi, Rick Van Nutter, Martine Veswick, Molly Peters, Bernard Lee.

The one with: Sharks, the Bahamas, nuclear bombs, scuba diving, that guy with the eyepatch, SPECTRE

Plot:

The film starts out with Bond spending the day at a spa, to rest and heal his wounds after his last mission, in which he assassinated a member of SPECTRE who had killed a few of his colleagues. It’s kind of weird, I may be wrong, but I think this is the first time Bond’s really been shown as an assassin, it’s the first mission where his only objective is just to kill some guy. Anyway, his next mission is literally to just spend a day or two maxing and relaxing at a spa. Of course, James Bond can never really relax, and instead spends the whole day sexually harassing his masseuse (who, naturally, does not put up much of a fight), and snooping around the clinic when he thinks some of the guests are acting odd. Normally, this sounds like the sort of problems you’d have with someone suffering from PTSD, but I suppose it doesn’t count for Bond because he’s so cool about it you get the impression he’s only doing it because he’s bored. Also, he’s right, some of the people there are up to no good, which he notices when he sees someone drop a corpse right in the middle of the spa.

            So, naturally, when his vacation’s over and he returns to MI6 to find that the dead guy in question is a suspect in the theft of two nuclear missiles, he offers to go investigate, which M is okay with, as long as he finds out where the missiles are by the time the weekend’s over. You see, as it turns out, the guy may have been working for SPECTRE, you know, those guys we forgot about in the last movie, who are now blackmailing England and the US for no less than one million dollars, otherwise they will blow up an unspecified major city.

So now Bond has to go to the Bahamas to fight, screw, shoot, screw, kill, play, drink, and screw whomever he needs to in order to find the warheads, or else millions of people will die. Or the government just loses a million dollars to directly finance terrorism. Either one. Along the way he teams up with Felix again, spends a lot of time underwater, and meets with two bigwigs from SPECTRE, Emilio Largo, the second-in-command of the whole organization, and femme fatale Fiona Volpe, both of whom are willing to use as many guns, sharks, and sex as they can to stop Bond. Well most of the sex just comes from Fiona.

Bond

Sean Connery is still great as Bond, as usual, and he’s having a lot more fun here as he kills, fights, and near-rapes several people to get his quarry. He’s a bit more at ease here, and while we don’t see anything too new, we don’t really care.

The Villain

I’m not a huge fan of Emilio Largo. He’s not an incredibly interesting villain; he’s just pretty standard. He wants a lot of money, he’s related to the love interest, he works for SPECTRE, and he hangs out with Bond when they’re not trying to kill each other.

Photo Credit: United Artists/MGM

His only real quirk is that he really likes sharks, which is the only thing about him even remotely interesting, because sharks are fucking awesome. He has a whole pool full of Tiger Sharks (he calls them something else, but they’re totally Tiger Sharks) that he enjoys feeding people too. Klaus Maria Brandauer portrays him as just a creepy foreign scientist, without any particularly interesting characterization.

Bond Girls

Photo Credit: United Artists/MGM

Domino Derval: I rank Domino Derval, the sister of the dead man Bond found, as the main Bond girl because she’s the actual love interest. Claudine Auger is pretty sexy, as evidenced by having won “Miss France”, and there’s a scene where she’s tied up. The only problem is, being a model (in the days before models had to have acting talent), she’s a dreadful actress. But she doesn’t have to do too much acting so, who cares. Luciana Paluzzi, who plays Fiona Volpe, is arguably as sexy as Auger, but a better actress, and her relationship with Bond is a little more interesting considering they both want to kill each other. She’s also a much probably a better villain than Largo, and it’s kind of a shame she didn’t replace him as the main antagonist.

Music: "Thunderball" by Tom Jones

This song is okay. Just okay, really. It’s well produced, and Tom Jones is a great singer, but the lyrics are kind of dumb (“so he strikes like Thunderball?”) and it’s kind of slow. The opening is also very bland, its just a bunch of shadows against an underwater background.

Johnny Cash recorded a song for use in the film, but it wasn’t used because it sounded too country-ish, but it’s probably the superior song.

Review

In spite of its enormous success, Thunderball was, during the time of its release and still today, considered by most people to be a bit of a disappointment compared to the previous films, all though still great in its own right. I can sort of see why; for one thing, it takes a long-ass time to really get going. Most Bond films have that one opening scene that has nothing to do with the rest of the film, but this one has that, and then another like twenty minutes of Bond just chilling out in a spa. It’s not entirely boring, but it slows the film down, and I don’t think the plot actually gets started until Bond reaches the Bahamas, which is like an hour into the film.

There’s a lot more Bond women this time around. There’s the asian chick he flirts with in the beginning, there’s Domino, the love interest, there’s his fellow agent who follows him to the Bahamas, there’s Fiona Volpe, and there’s the women in the spa. Bond probably has more sex in this film than in any other film so far, at about five sex scenes, one of which is underwater, which I cannot comment on as I have yet to try it. The problem is, it gets kind of stupid. Most of the sexual tension from From Russia With Love is gone and the scenes with women are so contrived they feel they’re straight out of a porno. But I suppose that’s just the point of a Bond movie and, fuck it, the women are pretty attractive.

            Having said that, this is still a pretty cool movie. I know it’s been mentioned a lot of times that like half the movie is underwater, and that the special effects haven’t aged well, but I actually disagree. I thought the whole underwater angle was new and separated it from the other films in a cool way, and I was often fascinated by how they managed to get the shots they did. There are several scenes where actors are shown swimming with live Tiger Sharks in the frame, which is awesome (although several of the sharks look like its hurt, which is not awesome). However, it does get a bit old after a while. It’s a campier Bond (this is the first appearance of the jetpack), but not to the point of ridiculousness. There’s still an essence of grit. It’s also probably the funniest Bond I’ve seen so far, with several lines that made me crack up. However, I can’t say that all these were intentional. The part where a random guy tries to kill Bond by making the incredibly awkward, hump-the-table machine he’s on go crazy was a lot more hilarious than suspenseful. Also Bond like tortures a guy in a spa machine for some reason. I forget why. Was it the same guy?

            Even though it takes forever for the plot to get going, when it does it still carries with it some depth. This is probably the first time that Bond is responsible for saving millions of people (or, again, just millions of dollars), and although he doesn’t save the world or anything, it’s shown that the stakes are high just by the scene with M, in which Bond is brought into a huge war room, as opposed to the close quarters of M’s office.

A-

Bondathon: Goldfinger (1964)

Bondathon! Because I'm in England (well not right now, right now I'm in Ireland) and what else am I going to do? Travel? Ha!

Well, last time on "Ryan's insane attempt to seem relevant halfway across the world, while also procrastinating from actual work", we learned about how Dr. No had made a ton of money on a modest (for the time) budget of $1 million, and From Russia had made a crapload of money on an expensive (for the time) budget of $2 million. If the first film was like the producers smoking a joint for the first time, because "hey it might be fun if we do it right"; and the second film was like the producers trying hard drugs with some friends because "I guess we're junkies now", the third film was like the producers giving in to their new livelihood and stockpiling three different kinds of drugs for one long crazy night. 

Basically, by the third film, the precedent for Bond movie success had already been more than established, so the boys at the studio decided to go all in and make what can only be called a genuine big budget blockbuster. Granted, it was still only $3 million, one million more than the last one, but that was a big deal for the time. There was also an early example of foreign market investment: the book was chosen primarily for how integrated the plot was in the United States, with the producers hoping to corner the increasingly lucrative American market. When Terrence Young left the project, he was replaced by Guy Hamilton; an old friend of Fleming's from his days in Royal Intelligence.

The end result was a film that has been called the greatest Bond film of all time. Let's find out why.

Goldfinger

Photo Credit: United Artists/MGM

Date: 1964
Director: Guy Hamilton
Bond: Sean Connery
Number: 3
Starring: Gert Frobe, Honor Blackman, Shirley Eaton, Harold Sakata, Cec Linder, Bernard Lee, and Desmond Llewelyn.
Singer: Shirley Bassey
The one with: That gold-painted lady, Oddjob, the Car, Pussy Galore, "No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!", Miami, the laser, Fort Knox.

"Goldfinger", one of the more uncomfortable names in the Bond, filmography begins with Bond callously killing some people in latin America while shutting down a drug factory, thereby establishing the precedent of "opening action scenes that have nothing to do with anything" that is carried on throughout the rest of the series.

Anyway, after watching the opening credits, Bond then heads to the only place in the world with more drugs and Latin Americans than Latin America; Miami, where he is asked by M to keep a subtle eye on suspicious billionaire Auric Goldfinger (you know, actual spy work); which Bond takes to mean "bang his assistant and then humiliate him", because in case you haven't figured it out by now; Bond's kind of a dick. As revenge for this, Golfinger has the assistant killed by smothering her in gold until her skin suffocates, which the British consider dangerous, but most Miami girls consider "a worthy life ambition". Also you can't actually kill someone by smothering them with gold paint, which the production team should have realized when they smothered the actress in gold paint.

Anyway, Bond is briefed by M and Q (the "gadget guy" who we'll come to know and love) and other letters of the alphabet, who put him in the awkward position of having to take down that same rich guy whose pissed off at him, in order to find out how he's managed such a long and sucessful career of smuggling gold internationally. Which Bond takes to mean "try to blow up his factory, run over his henchmen, have sex with every woman he knows, and beat him in golf", which Bond is more than game for. But in the process, he discovers that Golfinger has financial backing by the Chinese government, as well as a sinister plan involving Fort Knox that the brit must stop. I mean who else is going to? The Americans? Ha! They don't have machine-gun cars!

Bond

Still Connery, so still awesome, but he's arguably best here. It's like the movie itself managed to tune to Connery's unique blend of cool charisma and sly self-awareness, and he fits the film like a glove. Although his seduction of miss Galore borders on rape. Actually it's pretty much rape. So that's not very cool. I understand it was a different time, and she doesn't seem to broken up about it (she eventually voices her consent), but it's still fairly discomforting.

The Villain

Photo Credit: United Artists/MGM

The villain, of course, is the film's namesake: Auric Goldfinger, played by former nazi Gert Froebe (to be fair, it was later revealed that he helped rescue a Jewish family). Goldfinger differs from the precedents and antecedents in that he has absolutely nothing to do with SPECTRE; he is just a very, very crooked and ingenious businessman. I'm probably not spoiling a whole lot by revealing how the fantastic twist of the film is that Goldfinger does not want to steal from Fort Knox, but rather blow it up and irradiate all the gold, making it worthless and making his supply that much more valuable. It's a brilliant plan; brilliant enough to land Auric at the top of most of the most lists of the "greatest Bond villains of all time."

Which is funny, because Froebe could not even speak proper english and had to be dubbed over. But for what it's worth, he's fantastic. Goldfinger is a constantly tense and unpredictable villain, which adds a level of suspense to the film even when he's not present; he seems to constantly be one step ahead of Bond; keeping the hero from reaching superhero level too early. Froebe is great too, matching Connery's charisma and always seeming friendlier than he really is. It's easy to see why every Bond villain afterward felt the apparent need to step it up.

Bond Girls

In this film, Bond encounters Pussy Galore.

No, like seriously, that's her name.

Aside from Shirley Eaton, who is now famous for playing the woman who is dipped in gold, and Tania Mallet, who is famous for playing the sister of the woman who is dipped in gold, we get Honor Blackman (a much less alluring name, to be sure) as the infamous Pussy. Truth is though? She's a great character (and smoking hot)!

She's a major henchman for Goldfinger, and she's also dangerous, clever, and the leader of her own cadre of criminals, who are important for Goldfinger's scheme. Bond realizes very quickly that he's going to need to get Pussy if he's going to stop Auric. Fortunately, she isn't incredibly loyal, and it isn't long before Auric's Pussy may prove to be his undoing. Unfortunately, the talented Honor Blackman broadcasts her Pussy to the world as a rebellious and feisty, if flirty, character. We know what her purpose in the film is when we see her, but she's a box of tricks in a way that turns her into one of the film's, if not the franchise's, best characters. Is Bond up to the challenge of seducing her, or will he Pussy out?

Photo Credit: United Artists/MGM
Protip: When searching Google for "Pussy Galore", it is best to keep safesearch activated.

I'm so sorry.

Review

When all was said and done, Goldfinger emerged from the box office a legend; a blockbuster in ways that would not be surpassed until giant sharks and lightsaber showed up. Furthermore, it turned Bond from a popular character into what he is today; a film star.

So, naturally, I went in with high expectations. And what can I say? This movie's fantastic! It's fun, genuinely exciting even for its time, and holds on enough to the grittier, more realistic aspects of its predecessor to keep from becoming ridiculous. Connery is great, as always, the writing is clever and crisp, and the action scenes are way better than they should be in the sixties. There's really only so many ways I can say "it's exciting, suspenseful, and fun"but that's it, really. This is where the character comes into focus; it's pretty much the ultimate Bond movie. Aside from the uncomfortable scene I mentioned earlier, it's just about flawless.

It may be a cliche to label it the best of the series, and for me it's too early to tell, but so far no film has communicated to me why people love these moves so much as this. Oh, did I mention the car?

To the Bondmobile!

A+